All couples disagree and argue. Even if you were in a couple with yourself, you would disagree and argue because life is complicated and nuanced and even within ourselves, we sometimes struggle to know what we want and how to articulate it. The good news is that it’s not inherently damaging to argue with your partner. Of course how we argue, the things we say along the way, can be damaging, but we always have the option to repair the rupture (to apologize, really apologize). We can also learn how to argue more effectively. These are skills that are available to everyone and it’s unfortunate that we aren’t taught them in school or at work. But here you are, finding a path to making a change in your relationship.
I love the work of Brent Atkinson of the Couples Clinic in Illinois and his PEX Method, and I draw on this in my work with both individuals and couples. I teach clients how to stand up for themselves, their needs, and their desires in a way that keeps their partner in a state of curiosity rather than defensiveness. On the other side of the coin, I help my clients to hear the underlying longing and "bid for connection" when their partner comes to them in an unskilled way with a criticism, instead of a request.
These skills are highly valuable in any relationship in which you want to be heard and understood. The skills themselves are pretty simple. The real challenge is implementing them when you’re angry, triggered, flooded, overwhelmed, or however else it feels when your partner (or anyone else) says something that sets off alarm bells in your nervous system. Suddenly, you’re flooded with adrenaline, ready to counter every fact they get wrong, or you are completely shut down and have tuned out what the other person is saying. These are natural, instinctive responses to a situation that feels unsafe to our nervous system. When someone says something that feels threatening to our sense of self or to our lived reality, we feel threatened at a deep, instinctual level. It requires practice to rewire our brains to not jump to a fight-or-flight response and to instead pause for long enough that we can respond instead of react.
To do this, we need to be able to step outside of the moment and see it clearly, almost like an outside observer. Not in the sense that you’re dissociating, but in a way where you think, “Aha! I can feel my heart beating faster. That was a hard thing to hear. Now is the time to pause instead of snapping back.” To be able to do that in the moment, most of us need a regular mindfulness practice. I’m not saying you need to sit on a cushion and meditate for an hour a day. Mindfulness comes in many forms: focusing on the sound of the plates and cutlery as you load the dishes into the dishwasher, noticing how the water feels on different parts of your body when you shower, focusing on the lyrics to your favorite song instead of letting your mind wander, and yes, meditating on a cushion or while you walk through the forest. Whatever it is, find a mindfulness practice that feels sustainable, something you don’t dread, something you can build into your life. Because those few minutes add up over time and eventually you notice that you’re pausing and choosing how you respond to your partner instead of flying off the handle.
Improve the way you communicate with your partner. At Moore Pathways, I provide Couples Coaching to help you navigate conflict with confidence and compassion. Find out more here.
