How can my partner not know the name of our child’s pediatrician? Why did they suggest taking our nine year old to an all-day gaming convention when she has a basketball game every Saturday? Does my partner even know our children or their schedule? The answer to both questions is likely to be “yes,” but with some caveats. And, as unpleasant as it is to acknowledge, those caveats are likely to be ones that you participated in creating. Have you heard of maternal (parental) gatekeeping? It’s when we prevent our partners from making mistakes as a parent. But in doing so, we also block them from finding their own style and solutions and instead we take on the roles and responsibilities by ourselves.
The love we have for a new child is deep and sometimes overwhelming. We will do anything to protect our child from harm, including any perceived potential harm caused by their other parent! It makes sense. But when our partners do something dangerous or risky, it registers differently from when we make a mistake because it feels out of our control, and our brains and nervous systems LOVE to feel in control. Control feels safe. Control is also an illusion.
Think back on those first few months as a new parent. What mistakes did your partner make that left you questioning their competence? And how did you react in the moment? What did you do the next time it was your partner’s turn to take care of your child? Now think about what mistakes you made in the first few months. How did you react? And what did you do the next time it was your turn to take care of your child? We don’t always give our partners the same generous interpretation of events that we give ourselves, and it impacts the relationship they can develop with our child, and with us, over the long term. By trying to protect our child from every possible risk, we are depriving them of the relationship they could have with their other parent. And we are depriving ourselves of having a co-parent who is just as effective, even if they get the same result in a different way. When we take away from our partners the messiness of becoming a parent, we take away their creativity and their unique ability to relate to our child in a way that we can’t. We are depriving the whole family of a richer, more textured experience.
Don’t worry, all is not lost! Whether your child is three months old or thirteen, there is always time to make changes in your relationships. Recognizing that we participated in setting up this dynamic is the first step. We have to take responsibility for contributing to a relationship dynamic that we don’t like. Your partner may or not be happy with this dynamic, but if we want to see changes, then we will need to be the one to start doing things differently. I love the analogy of dancing when we think about relationships: if you have been dancing the same waltz for ten years, then when one person suddenly takes a different step it is no longer possible to continue the dance as it has always been danced. Something has changed. Your partner might not be excited for the change (more tasks, more responsibility), but they are likely to be more open to it if you own your part in having set up this dynamic. And if you ask, and really listen, you might also learn how it’s not working for your partner either. When we come to our partners from a place of curiosity, with equal regard for their needs and desires as well as ours, then they are more likely to be receptive. And we’re more likely to engage them in collaborative problem-solving as a team.
